Gospel Rhythm Breathing
She groggily rolls over to tap her cell phone backlight and groans knowing she has overslept. Her next thought immediately detects the familiar pressing weight upon her. She tries to push herself out of bed, but the inner pull of reclusion lulls her to tug the covers tighter. The self-talk begins, "Days like this are inevitable. Shove back the weight. Force yourself to go. You will feel better after church." But, she knows despite all her positive mantras that today will be a battle for affections.
Fifteen minutes to look presentable will have to work, but every move she makes feels like she has been shot with a debilitating tranquilizer. Fifteen minutes becomes twenty and the negative mental chiding becomes fiercer, "If you would have gone to bed early you would be ready to go. This is typical of you; you can't do anything right these days. Why are you even bothering going to church when you know your state of mind?" She already feels weak, a mere twenty minutes into her Sunday, yet she presses heavier on the gas pedal and speeds down the road.
She pastes on an adequate smile while swiftly moving past the sanctuary greeters, and exhales a deep sigh of relief as she sees one of her dear mentors strategically placed in the back row with an empty seat beside. She shoots an upward prayer of thanks, the first taste of sweet gratitude this morning. An hour at the foot of the cross an in the cocoon of community reduces the numbness of the early waking hours, yet the reality of heavy living to be faced within an hour or two terrifies and lingers. The closing words of her pastor leave her hungry for more of the grace and mercy she craves, but emotionally she still feels distraught with failures, insecurities, and fear.The drapes are drawn in her home and she retreats into the darkness of her room. Fatigue falls upon her like a suffocating avalanche. Self-hate creates iciness in her heart, and she aches for her Savior to breathe his warming balm upon her soul. However, the numbness is returning with a stronger force and she prays for no one to call her, so she can spare them from the brutality of her stormy day. Mindlessly she watches the characters on the Netflix© screen until her eyes flutter shut for late afternoon hours of untainted sleep that flow into evening hours.
Abruptly she awakens at midnight to the reality that she has not escaped the avalanche, but she is still falling. She begins to scream with tears streaming and snot flowing. She keeps thinking the avalanche will soon halt, but the downward somersaults continue to bring her further down into the depths of the valley. Suddenly, in a split second, she feels the cold on her face; she doesn’t understand what is happening; she is confused but certain she has fallen off a cliff. She recalls a frightening documentary claiming ninety percent of all avalanche accidents are triggered by the victim, or someone in the victim's party and she knows this is true to life. She reflects on months of falling and feeling like a rag doll thrown by the snow. At times she remembers seeing the sky and the snow and the sky again and again as her body tumbled head over heels and from left to right. As she tries to lull herself back to sleep, dark flashbacks grip her and she feels powerless to thrash against the tightening straightjacket.
The next morning she awakens to the reality that she can't muster faith. She has to keep asking for his mercies and be obedient to his calling. Her hope is not in the now; buried in the avalanche of mistakes, or a rescue from present difficult circumstances. But, her hope is relying upon Christ in the darkest of days knowing that difficulty, suffering, and discipline are tools being used to dial her into His will and for his glory. She must remember and rejoice that God saved her, he changed her mind, he ended her selfish pursuits, and he enabled her to come near to him, "But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ" (Eph. 2:13). She thanks him for taking away her sin through his blood and cancelling the record of her debt.
The avalanche days filled with her dark lies or the whispers from authorities and principalities must be met with the reality that God has saved her (Col. 2:13-15). Jesus himself prayed for the Spirit to intercede for him during his dark, desert days when tempted by Satan. The Spirit enabled Christ to battle the devil and empowered him to be obedient to God’s will for his life. Likewise, she recalls that if she walks by the spirit, and believes in the promises of God then she will overcome the flesh (Gal. 5:15-25). She begins to rejoice because she knows that her failures do not take God by surprise, and he is faithful to complete his work in her life (Philippians 1:6). She rejoices because her identity is now being found in Christ and she belongs to him. He never abandons and she is not the point. God has chosen her, he will not give up on her, and he will finish his work in her. As it happens, struggling against the avalanche is a waste of time and energy. She knows she must stop panicking and trying to move herself. She thinks to herself: 'You must calm down, keep your energy and establish a gospel rhythm breathing if you want to survive.' It is then that she begins to see the glimpses of the blue sky above her and stops focusing upon the snow packed circumstances around her.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above. (source)
Fifteen minutes to look presentable will have to work, but every move she makes feels like she has been shot with a debilitating tranquilizer. Fifteen minutes becomes twenty and the negative mental chiding becomes fiercer, "If you would have gone to bed early you would be ready to go. This is typical of you; you can't do anything right these days. Why are you even bothering going to church when you know your state of mind?" She already feels weak, a mere twenty minutes into her Sunday, yet she presses heavier on the gas pedal and speeds down the road.
She pastes on an adequate smile while swiftly moving past the sanctuary greeters, and exhales a deep sigh of relief as she sees one of her dear mentors strategically placed in the back row with an empty seat beside. She shoots an upward prayer of thanks, the first taste of sweet gratitude this morning. An hour at the foot of the cross an in the cocoon of community reduces the numbness of the early waking hours, yet the reality of heavy living to be faced within an hour or two terrifies and lingers. The closing words of her pastor leave her hungry for more of the grace and mercy she craves, but emotionally she still feels distraught with failures, insecurities, and fear.The drapes are drawn in her home and she retreats into the darkness of her room. Fatigue falls upon her like a suffocating avalanche. Self-hate creates iciness in her heart, and she aches for her Savior to breathe his warming balm upon her soul. However, the numbness is returning with a stronger force and she prays for no one to call her, so she can spare them from the brutality of her stormy day. Mindlessly she watches the characters on the Netflix© screen until her eyes flutter shut for late afternoon hours of untainted sleep that flow into evening hours.
Abruptly she awakens at midnight to the reality that she has not escaped the avalanche, but she is still falling. She begins to scream with tears streaming and snot flowing. She keeps thinking the avalanche will soon halt, but the downward somersaults continue to bring her further down into the depths of the valley. Suddenly, in a split second, she feels the cold on her face; she doesn’t understand what is happening; she is confused but certain she has fallen off a cliff. She recalls a frightening documentary claiming ninety percent of all avalanche accidents are triggered by the victim, or someone in the victim's party and she knows this is true to life. She reflects on months of falling and feeling like a rag doll thrown by the snow. At times she remembers seeing the sky and the snow and the sky again and again as her body tumbled head over heels and from left to right. As she tries to lull herself back to sleep, dark flashbacks grip her and she feels powerless to thrash against the tightening straightjacket.
The next morning she awakens to the reality that she can't muster faith. She has to keep asking for his mercies and be obedient to his calling. Her hope is not in the now; buried in the avalanche of mistakes, or a rescue from present difficult circumstances. But, her hope is relying upon Christ in the darkest of days knowing that difficulty, suffering, and discipline are tools being used to dial her into His will and for his glory. She must remember and rejoice that God saved her, he changed her mind, he ended her selfish pursuits, and he enabled her to come near to him, "But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ" (Eph. 2:13). She thanks him for taking away her sin through his blood and cancelling the record of her debt.
The avalanche days filled with her dark lies or the whispers from authorities and principalities must be met with the reality that God has saved her (Col. 2:13-15). Jesus himself prayed for the Spirit to intercede for him during his dark, desert days when tempted by Satan. The Spirit enabled Christ to battle the devil and empowered him to be obedient to God’s will for his life. Likewise, she recalls that if she walks by the spirit, and believes in the promises of God then she will overcome the flesh (Gal. 5:15-25). She begins to rejoice because she knows that her failures do not take God by surprise, and he is faithful to complete his work in her life (Philippians 1:6). She rejoices because her identity is now being found in Christ and she belongs to him. He never abandons and she is not the point. God has chosen her, he will not give up on her, and he will finish his work in her. As it happens, struggling against the avalanche is a waste of time and energy. She knows she must stop panicking and trying to move herself. She thinks to herself: 'You must calm down, keep your energy and establish a gospel rhythm breathing if you want to survive.' It is then that she begins to see the glimpses of the blue sky above her and stops focusing upon the snow packed circumstances around her.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above. (source)
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