Fearless Heights

Anxious hearts weave through crossroads of confusion.
The road ahead looms, while the path behind leaves souls worn.
Kaleidoscope glimpses instill an urge to fear what lies ahead.

Take this heart.
Walk before me.
Whisper sweet soothings.
Draw me closer.

Hazy visions of expectations collide with reality.
Protectors fail.  Leaders bail.  Promises sail.
Lessons on disappointment force hearts to place hope higher than fear.

Take this mind.
Clear its clutter.
Grasp my hand.
Draw me closer.

Finite disappointment arises, but protection is ever present.
Anxious anticipations dissolve, because higher strength overcomes.
Darkness fades as light illuminates each step taken forward.

Take this life.
Exchange my heart.
Hold me steady.
Draw me closer.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.  Habakkuk 3:19

Arise My Love, The Rain is Gone

Despair and depression are the rock and rope that often threaten to sink hearts into the depths of hopeless. Walking through the darkness of our own heart, or the darkness imposed by others is inevitable in a fractured world. The challenge is to enter into the storm; to take painful step by painful step through the bitter winds of whatever your nightmare is titled: deceit, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, consequence, miscarriage, cancer, divorce, death, or fill in the blank.  The challenge is to learn to walk through the ominous paths with the knowledge that the Lord has each moment in His hands, and each moment is designed to weaken our mental death grip on the temporal, and strengthen our faith in the knowledge that everything goes beyond the here and now (2 Corinthians 4:17).

I'm slowly learning to not despise the difficulty of hard living, because the Lord is teaching me to rest in His promises.  He's filling me with the knowledge that his love is overflowing in joy and in sorrow; in difficulty and in disease; in clarity and in confusion.   When the weight seems unbearable there is solace knowing that He is constantly renewing me day by day.   The heaviness is real; the pain is real; the struggle is real; and his love is real: ^"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted" (Hebrews 12:3).  His love is the kind of love I ultimately hope to display. The knock down, drag out, suffer, struggle, and fight kind of love.  I'm not talking the knight in shining armor culture love, but I'm talking the lay down your selfishness and woman up kind of love.  Oh you mean, it's not all about me?  There's not someone out there who is going to fill all my lonely?  No "the one" to meet my every selfish notion?  No prince to erase all the nightmares and paint a pretty portrait of me being whisked away when things get ugly?  No, because the truth is, real love involves letting go of self and grabbing hold of sacrifice.  

How does that translate into daily living?  Well, there's this reality that my self-focused, fear, and anxiety driven heart can often slam me against the wall of consequence, or wreak horizontal havoc on those around me.  The temptation is to remain in the shame and guilt of past mistakes or to throw up my hands in despair, but my hope must remain firm in the fact that He is relentlessly pursuing my whole heart, and the ugliness within is slowly being chipped away.  His goal isn't to ambush, or trap, but to set me free from heart entanglements  that threaten to destroy.  He is changing the old me day by day.  He presses where I need cleansing the most, and he meets me in the midst of the painful process. All the while he urges me to not grow weary, for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Hebrews 12:11)... not an easy lesson. Yet, it's a beautiful lesson with a sweet spoken promise: 

"Arise, my love, my beautiful one,

and come away

for behold, the winter is past;

the rain is over and gone."'

Song of Solomon 2:10-11

http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/examining-roots-renouncing-rerooting-and-asking#.Upv6SXYfQEA.email

Facing Fear

My family and I recently spent a week vacationing in the Outer Banks, and nothing quite fills my heart like a week filled with smart aleck comments from brothers, coordinating nap schedules of kiddos under the age of 4,  and the endearing nostalgia that accompanies a place visited every summer since I was a child.  This vacation I observed  and embraced a new phase of life; moments where I felt as if I was given an exclusive backstage pass as  I watched my brothers and sisters tackling parenthood with grit and grace.   I giggled thinking it was just yesterday that I was the age of my nieces and nephew, but oh how time has flown.  

One of my favorite moments from our vacation was standing by my three year old niece Cate as she faced her respectable fear of the ocean.  A fear that is warranted especially if you've ever seen the aerial view of what lies beneath the ocean surface...  hello  sharp toothed and pointed fin attacks.   Cate insisted I hold her hand and it was apparent that her faith was lacking in my ability to protect her in any kind of way.  This expressive little girl has no trouble emoting,  and so her big, blue eyes widened  and her clasp of my hand turned into a death grip as we took steps closer to the water.   We creeped our toes past the dry morsels and placed our tippy toes onto the wet sand and she looked as if JAWS were about to swallow her whole.

I chuckled in my head at her obvious lack of faith in my ability to protect her from the perilous water barely reaching our toes.  I patiently waited as she watched the waves crash onto shore, reach our feet and recede several times.   She then looked at me,  her grasp loosened and with a glint in her eyes she cautiously took two steps forward accompanied by a nervous giggle when the water drowned her ankles.  My playfulness emerged as I started to splash my feet in the water, and she mimicked me with a newly infused confidence.  As the water rose to her knees we approached the breaker and she draped her entire scrawny body around my solid legs, which according to my affectionate brothers are as solid as California redwoods.  Before too long we ventured forward and the waves were up to her waist.  Each step I praised and reassured her that I was not letting go. She clung more fiercely when the waves hit, but we continued to step further and deeper.   Cate's once stricken demeanor began to give way to confidence and she continued to battle further into what was moments before her greatest fear.  

Just like Cate I contend the battles of my own fear and doubt God's provision.  My fears look a little different, but still strike quivering terror and a sheer desperation for protection.   Fear often surrounds my feeble heart and threatens to immobilize; infiltrating every part of my mind and soul if I allow it to fester.  Fear does not magically dissipate, but it must be combatted with cultivating a deep seeded trust in the Lord who promises to protect us in every way.  Often I begin redefining God through my fear and circumstance; however, the Lord continues to surround me with his love in so many ways, although my heart is still painstakingly slow to trust.   The past few days I've whispered short pleas for His mercy:  change me; move me; fix me; help me.  Those pleas mixed with confession:  my selfish thoughts; my stagnant heart;  my faithlessness.   But, when it comes down to it, the reality remains that his love remains the same.  No matter what challenges arise, he does not change.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  There is nothing that I have to do to convince him to love me or pursue me, and nothing that I will do that will change his mind about me.

So why do I feel I am sometimes in a vicious cycle?  Well, because I am in constant motion of Him drawing me closer even though I shy away from His grasp.  He continues to affirm that it isn't about the past, present, or future failures I fear, but about Him and what He has already done and what He will continue to do.  He will never walk away despite all my heart mistakes, and all the messes I seem to keep creating.   The beauty of grace is that it is a part of the process of Christ refining me, not yet finished, but one in which He pursues until His purpose is complete in HIS perfection and not in my OWN doing. There is joy found in facing my fears and fleeing to him for refuge.  I find protection when I take a deep gulp of  His sovereignty, and breathe out the insecurities that threaten to flood my heart. Martin Luther describes this grace as, "a very great, strong, mighty and active thing. It does not lie asleep in the soul. Grace hears, leads, drives, draws, changes, works all in man, and lets itself be distinctly felt and experienced. It is hidden, but its works are evident.” So, I don't hold my breath in fear of the unknown, but I breathe in the grace of His healing work in my life.  Like Cate, I must learn to let go of my fear and dwell in the safety of His love, "because it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me....I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me (Galations 2:20), while my soul waits in silence for Him only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. (Psalm 62:5-8)

Reign and Rule

Angst is a blessing that points her gaze upwards; a necessary pain signaling a heart still pumping and not failing.   He will be the only one to hold her together,   ¹⁶ For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. ¹⁷ He is before all things, and in him all things hold together (I Colossians), but she's overwhelmed by the pull of the here and now.  The glint of the bright and shiny distract her fickle heart; where her treasure is, there her heart is, there her emotions are, there her spirit is. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21).  A constant battle for affections wars and the line must be drawn and defended every day, every hour, every minute, and every moment.  The weight of her weakness presses heavy, yet His promise to restore remains her hope.

No longer is she suffocating under the misconception that she can swim to safety by herself, but a fight still rages to grasp tight her desires.  She's tempted to wrestle the waves of the temporary on her own.   The tide of wistful longings and numbing substitutes threaten to overtake, and all the while the threat of drowning is not outside of her, but within.   The desire to control the  uncontrollable height, depth, and strength of the waves produces overwhelming fatigue, and she must continually let go of the misconception that anything but Him will carry her safely to the shore.  The knowledge that He is in complete control and His love remains the same gives her peace no matter the tow.

The tide pulls from all angles; yet, her joy ignites as she savors the impact of beauty created from ashes; how an infinite, omnipotent, all-knowing creator, can weave all circumstances, all free-will decisions, all sin,  and all actions for the good.  The unlimited patience of Her creator to see His work complete gives her comfort, but she acknowledges that it requires an internal wrestling, a brutal facing and relinquishing of the here and now;  a continuous letting go of selfish desires in exchange for the beauty of His perfect reign and rule.

Joyous Holiday Blues

Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Holidays are always interesting. I love them, but at certain moments I get sucker punched with emotions. You know when you hit the point of exhaustion and become frustrated with your heart and situation? I become frustrated because I feel I should "be over" those feelings, but they still come back just as strong. So then I have condemning thoughts which leads to sadness which leads to doubt which sticks me back in that pit of despair. UGGG it's the worst! I become fearful that I will always experience these brutal feelings which causes my heart to break all over again. Yet, the good news is that Christ has got me right where He wants me, and He's going to walk with me through every painful step. I know He will use all of this for His glory. Memories and loneliness are beyond difficult and suffocating. But again, it keeps me depending on Christ for my ultimate security - not easy but essential.

The hard times will continue to come, but Christ is right there with us and He will continue to place people in our lives to help us make it through the depths of the depths. The beauty is that He knows exactly how we feel and no one else really understands the depths of our pain but Him. I just found this secular song turned spiritual (b/c being a Christ follower means we get to see Him in everything) and it speaks to my heart in a huge way - knowing Christ is continuing to heal and repair my heart, even when it feels completely hopeless.

James 4:8a
8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.


1 Peter 5:7
7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.


Psalm 22:14
14 I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast;


Lamentations 2:19
19 “Arise, cry out in the night,
at the beginning of the night watches!
Pour out your heart like water
before the presence of the Lord!
Lift your hands to him
for the lives of your children,
who faint for hunger
at the head of every street.”

Friends the holidays sometimes mean one foot in front of the other - God will be right there. Sometimes holidays mean a grand canyon absence of those who are no longer - the worst pain, and I wish I could take it away. However, I know that God does not take us through pain as punishment, and He loves us more than anyone could. Continue to trust that this is all a part of His ultimate plan for good. I am praying for you every step of the way. Love you friends.

My Jonathan

“....for he loved him as he loved his own soul” (v. 17).
- 1 Samuel 20

Vulnerability is not his forte, and his words will leave others bare.  His condemning thoughts turned to action have stripped him, and there is nothing left but to reveal the rotting flesh.  The miles running under the tires are building the dread of laying his deepest debt upon the table, but he is compelled to end the charade.  He has no thoughts to feel for others, because his hole of a heart has become a crater of self-preservation; devouring deceptive promises into his starved soul.  Now is the time to end the concealment and dangle his heart on the line.

The biggest battle originates from within, and it will destroy all in its path. The scales that have multiplied must be shed.  He sits across from eyes that will soon experience busted betrayal.  He wants more than anything to be rid of the lies, but knows the pain that will gush forth with the tidal wave of truth.  He fears the layers that must be scraped are too deep for his own healing much less anyone else, yet the eyes that meet the first swell of shock are a stunned, saddened compassion. A reaction of devastation mingled with a piercing acknowledgment of the real man.  A man wounded, lost and in desperate need of someone who abhors the evil within him,  but clings to the good and devotes himself to fighting whatever demons arise.

The selfish man meets the self-giving man who shares  the weight of consequences.  The lonely wanderer meets the loving brother who wipes away his tears of sorrow.  The hopeless meets the hopeful - a radical who loves his neighbor as himself.  The trusted foe sees beyond the disaster, broken and bloody, and sets his friend's eyes towards the restored and refined road.  He takes his brother's hand as they navigate the ruins and reminds him of his substance,  a path pointed towards joy, hope, and love. They grasp onto hope and persevere through deafening doubt towards  a destination guaranteed to bring ultimate love, security, fulfillment and significance. 

The Difficult Plan

"This moment of difficulty is not in the way of the plan. This moment IS the plan. The difficulties are a sure sign of his redemptive love .. Not unfaithfulness."  - Paul Tripp

Dear regret,

Those condemning  thoughts just won't let you sleep and keep nicking those healing scars open.  Yes, your reaction to the cage of pretense was cruel.  Walls upon walls of numbing protection growing in response to manipulation. Bricks surround your bleeding heart.  Bricks meant for a tall tower of protection, but resulting in a fortress for a battle leaving victims in its wake.

Dear wounded,

Unspoken words left a gaping hole; a slicing silence of retaliation.  You know it was too much for another to enter into the pain of the cuts you carelessly carved.  You weep over another's apathy and mourn your sinful search to fill the void.  You tested beyond what any heart should face, yet you still feel the consequences that burn of hatred and numbing disregard .

Dear fearful,
A small heart was replaced with another, a gift wrapped with sorrow, as one mother's tears give way to another's joy.  One moment full of promise, and the next a harsh inhalation of despair.  Trepidation produces the thought that your gift, too, could be taken at any moment and the struggle against doubt threatens to consume.

Dear bitter,
A life was stripped from your loving grasp, leaving billowing storm clouds.  The senseless pain and loss weigh heavy upon your soul and threaten to suffocate.  The loudness of an empty home screams of memories spent and dreams dashed.  You choke on the silent sob erupting within and raise fists to the dark sky.

Dear friends,
The ghosts that haunt can linger if we grip tight.  How shall we answer?  Oh Lord, be our hearts and minds, when we cannot feel or think in tidal waves of despair.  Restore in our hearts the faith to relinquish from our hands and place back into the hands of one who orchestrates every grief-stricken second for the redemptive good.  We will most certainly breathe again when we gasp fighting against the chains that so easily shackle.   His blood cleanses, His word breathes new life, and his love...  
Oh, His sweet love breaks the chains.