Facing Fear

My family and I recently spent a week vacationing in the Outer Banks, and nothing quite fills my heart like a week filled with smart aleck comments from brothers, coordinating nap schedules of kiddos under the age of 4,  and the endearing nostalgia that accompanies a place visited every summer since I was a child.  This vacation I observed  and embraced a new phase of life; moments where I felt as if I was given an exclusive backstage pass as  I watched my brothers and sisters tackling parenthood with grit and grace.   I giggled thinking it was just yesterday that I was the age of my nieces and nephew, but oh how time has flown.  

One of my favorite moments from our vacation was standing by my three year old niece Cate as she faced her respectable fear of the ocean.  A fear that is warranted especially if you've ever seen the aerial view of what lies beneath the ocean surface...  hello  sharp toothed and pointed fin attacks.   Cate insisted I hold her hand and it was apparent that her faith was lacking in my ability to protect her in any kind of way.  This expressive little girl has no trouble emoting,  and so her big, blue eyes widened  and her clasp of my hand turned into a death grip as we took steps closer to the water.   We creeped our toes past the dry morsels and placed our tippy toes onto the wet sand and she looked as if JAWS were about to swallow her whole.

I chuckled in my head at her obvious lack of faith in my ability to protect her from the perilous water barely reaching our toes.  I patiently waited as she watched the waves crash onto shore, reach our feet and recede several times.   She then looked at me,  her grasp loosened and with a glint in her eyes she cautiously took two steps forward accompanied by a nervous giggle when the water drowned her ankles.  My playfulness emerged as I started to splash my feet in the water, and she mimicked me with a newly infused confidence.  As the water rose to her knees we approached the breaker and she draped her entire scrawny body around my solid legs, which according to my affectionate brothers are as solid as California redwoods.  Before too long we ventured forward and the waves were up to her waist.  Each step I praised and reassured her that I was not letting go. She clung more fiercely when the waves hit, but we continued to step further and deeper.   Cate's once stricken demeanor began to give way to confidence and she continued to battle further into what was moments before her greatest fear.  

Just like Cate I contend the battles of my own fear and doubt God's provision.  My fears look a little different, but still strike quivering terror and a sheer desperation for protection.   Fear often surrounds my feeble heart and threatens to immobilize; infiltrating every part of my mind and soul if I allow it to fester.  Fear does not magically dissipate, but it must be combatted with cultivating a deep seeded trust in the Lord who promises to protect us in every way.  Often I begin redefining God through my fear and circumstance; however, the Lord continues to surround me with his love in so many ways, although my heart is still painstakingly slow to trust.   The past few days I've whispered short pleas for His mercy:  change me; move me; fix me; help me.  Those pleas mixed with confession:  my selfish thoughts; my stagnant heart;  my faithlessness.   But, when it comes down to it, the reality remains that his love remains the same.  No matter what challenges arise, he does not change.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  There is nothing that I have to do to convince him to love me or pursue me, and nothing that I will do that will change his mind about me.

So why do I feel I am sometimes in a vicious cycle?  Well, because I am in constant motion of Him drawing me closer even though I shy away from His grasp.  He continues to affirm that it isn't about the past, present, or future failures I fear, but about Him and what He has already done and what He will continue to do.  He will never walk away despite all my heart mistakes, and all the messes I seem to keep creating.   The beauty of grace is that it is a part of the process of Christ refining me, not yet finished, but one in which He pursues until His purpose is complete in HIS perfection and not in my OWN doing. There is joy found in facing my fears and fleeing to him for refuge.  I find protection when I take a deep gulp of  His sovereignty, and breathe out the insecurities that threaten to flood my heart. Martin Luther describes this grace as, "a very great, strong, mighty and active thing. It does not lie asleep in the soul. Grace hears, leads, drives, draws, changes, works all in man, and lets itself be distinctly felt and experienced. It is hidden, but its works are evident.” So, I don't hold my breath in fear of the unknown, but I breathe in the grace of His healing work in my life.  Like Cate, I must learn to let go of my fear and dwell in the safety of His love, "because it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me....I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me (Galations 2:20), while my soul waits in silence for Him only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. (Psalm 62:5-8)